Jokes on Doctors

• Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses
  you certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!

• Doctor, Doctor I’ve got wind! Can you give me something?
  Yes – here’s a kite!

• Patient: Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?!
  Doctor: Stick your foot out and trip it up!

• Patient: Doctor, I tend to flush a lot.
  Doctor: Don’t worry it’s just a chain reaction!

• Patient: Doctor, you’ve got to help me. I think I’m a kleptomaniac.
  Doctor: Don’t worry. I think there’s something you can take for that.

• Why did the proctologist use two fingers?
  In case the patient wanted a second opinion.

• A man has a terrible accident and has to undergo surgery. When he awakens, the surgeon says, “I have bad news and good news for you.”

“What’s the bad news?”

“We had to amputate both of your legs.”

“And the good news?”

“The guy in the next bed wants to buy your shoes.”

• Patient: doctor whenever I get up after a sleep, I feel dizzy for half an hour, then I’m all right.’

Doctor: Then wait for half an hour before getting up,’ replies Doctor Mayo conclusively.

• Patient: It’s been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.

Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?

Patient: I sure did – the bottle said ‘keep tightly closed.’

• Sister: ‘Doctor, Doctor the man you’ve just treated collapsed on the front step. What should I do?’

Doctor: ‘Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!’

• Patient: “Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears

Doctor: “Don’t answer!”

• ‘Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor blade’
  ‘don’t panic, I’m coming immediately, have you done anything yet?’
  ‘Yeah, I shaved with the electric razor.’
• Patient: How much will it cost me to have this tooth extracted?
  Dentist: $300
  Patient: $300 for just a few minutes works, that expensive.
  Dentist: O.K. I’ll pull it out slowly if you prefer.

Funny Doctor Quotes

• The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian.  He can’t ask his patients what is the matter-he’s got to just know.  Will Rogers

• My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they’re in August. Ronnie Shakes

• If you trust Google more than your doctor than maybe it’s time to switch doctors. Jadelr and Cristina Cordova

• The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

• The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet, and Doctor Merry man

• . Doctor says to a man “You’re pregnant!” The man says “How does a man get pregnant?” The doctor says “The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner….”

• A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks “Doc, how do I stand?” The doctor says “That’s what puzzles me!”